Hello Everyone. I've just been handed this shocking update from Rome about the deliberations of the College of Cardinals, aka Stanford (I'm not really sure why Stanford gets to choose the next pope, but since it's a tradition streching back hundreds of years I'll let it go). In a shocking turn of events, one Caleb Bartley has been selected as the new High Pope of Romeland (which, of course, is the official title). He will be installed as Pope C-Bar I in a ceremony later this week.
"I'm very excited," said Caleb in an interview early this morning. "It will be a great challenge for me to guide over 500 million catholics to the promised land of the Big Rock Candy Mountain, but one at which I do not intend to fail."
Many conservative catholics have expressed reservations at the Popehood being placed on such a young man, fearing he will side with more progressive factions of the church. But Pope C-Bar I urged his followers to remain calm and trust him. "Indeed, I above everyone recognize that I will need help and guidance in my new position. I cannot spend all my time bombing about Italy in my Popemobile looking for young and nubile girls to convert to the Holy Church of Caleb. That is why my first official act is to appoint my close personal and holy friend, Java Fortran, to the newly created post of Cardinal of Communication, for Java is the only man I know who has the ability to get me high enough to talk to God." C-Bar I went on to reveal that he had already initiated contact with the Almighty, and that a productive conversation had taken place. "I am happy to report that we toked, I mean talked, for a good hour and a half," reported Caleb. "He was happy to offer me a lot of advice on many problems the church is facing in this new millenium." One of the topics on which Caleb and God spoke extensively was the issue of allowing women to join the clergy. Though the previous pope was a staunch opponent of this change, Caleb gave signs to indicate his first decree will allow women to integrate quickly into the highest levels of the church. "When I agreed to take this job, the first thing I thought of was 'do I really wanted to be waited on by a buch of old guys with a prediliction for red robes?' My converstaion with the Big Guy confirmed that he wants as many women as possible working with me to help relieve the tensions of the church." The new pope also indicated that changes in the tranditional church robes could be on the way. "The church needs to become more health-conscious. Studies have consistently shown that exposure to sunlight, in moderation, has a positive effect on the mood as well as increasing levels of key vitamins in the body. I intend to design a new, minimalist, 'less-is-more' style of dress for the church, which will be tested on many of the new women clergymembers. I will keep in close contact with them so as to carefully monitor the results."
Caleb announced another appointment this morning, revealing that Erik Hanberg will become the first Vice Pope in 500 years. "I can't do it all alone," said C-Bar I. "I will need help reaching the people of the world, and no one can help me do that better than Mr. Hanberg. Together we will throw the greatest mass parties the church as ever seen." Vice Pope Hanberg was unavailable for comment, as he has already been sequestered to plan an introductory celebration to allow everyone to get to know the new Pontiff and his staff. Reports indicate that kegs of sacramental wine, communion wafers and shots of Russian vodka will be served.
The new pope finished his interview by revealing that in the upcoming weeks he would be considering changes to the sacrament of communion, specifically at replacing the wine with Jack and Diet Coke and the wafers with Sun Chips.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Twins Update
So in the first three games of the seaon, the Twins started Brad Radke, their long time ace, Johan Santana, last year's Cy Young winner, and Carlos Silva, a second year starter who had a very nice 14 win season last year. Santana, of course, has the ability to totally dominate a game, and Radke allowed fewer baserunners per nine innings than all but two other starters last year (I think). Silva, who did a great job, is nonetheless a sinkerballer, someone who needs a good defense behind him because he will have a lot of ground balls hit off him. So, of these three, who would you guess would pitch the best game? If you're smart (or have picked up a sports section in the past year) you guessed Santana, if you're sentimental you guessed Radke, and nobody guessed Silva. But, after Radke allowed 5 runs in a loss and Santana allowed 4 runs in a win, Silva came out and went 7 full innings, threw only 68 pitches, allowed only one run, a solo homer, and pitched out of a bases-loaded jam. He had no strikeouts, but no walks either, and got three double plays behind him. So one of the best pitchers in baseball and one of the most underrated pitchers in baseball can't keep the Mariner's to under 4 runs in a game, but Silva does it easily, throwing only 68 pitches! Baseball drives me nuts sometimes.
Seriously though, I was pretty impressed by Silva's outing, and if he can maintain that sort of form for most of the season, the Twins could easily have the best rotation in the game.
Seriously though, I was pretty impressed by Silva's outing, and if he can maintain that sort of form for most of the season, the Twins could easily have the best rotation in the game.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Sin City Review
So as to not spoil the movie for you yahoos who haven't seen it yet, I'm going to try and talk about aspects of the film as opposed to the film itself.
Most of the time, I think MPAA ratings are shit. Hell, most of the time I think the MPAA itself is shit. In fact, go ahead and cross out that most and put all. I think that a lot of R ratings are ridiculous: kids see and hear worse things on TV, at school and at church, to say nothing of what goes on in their own heads. This is especially true in regards to sexual content and the minds of boys (I can't speak for girls) from the ages of 10-17 (not that the thoughts stop then, it's just that you can go see the R movies then). But in the case of Sin City, I am definately of the opinion that children should be kept the hell away from this film. (When I say children, I am generalizing to mean people whose minds are not mature enough to handle the content matter. It is perfectly within the realm of possibility that you could find an 11 year old who would be better suited to watch this movie than many 17 year olds. In that case I would be in favor of letting that child see the movie. But we're talking about generalities here, people! Get off my back.) It's not that the movie is bad. As I will describe below, Sin City is fucking fantastic. And it's not that it has lots of sex and whatnot that most MPAA bitches think children should never, be exposed to, less they suddenly start fucking in the aisles. In fact, I don't think anyone swears in the entire movie. But Sin City is the sort of movie that should get an R rating, because it contains graphic, twisted violence. Usually, this is the sort of thing that the MPAA thinks is fine to show kids. But when you need to use the word "castrations" to describe a film, it's a good bet that kids might have nightmares.
This is a hardcore film. People get capped, cut, castrated and cannibalized. And since the "good" guys are almost all on missions where they require information they don't have, they have the tendency to torture people until they give it up. My parents didn't like Kill Bill because they thought it was too violent; I told them not to bother going to this movie, because they'd probably walk out after the first 10 minutes. But if you can handle the subject matter, this is one of the best films you can see. It may take a little while to get acclimated to the dialogue and the voice overs, because it sounds kind of corny at first. But then you realize that this is a world where you can't speak like you can in our world. Most of us will never be violently threatened or hunted by people who want to do us harm. But in the beautifully stark world that Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller bring to the screen, everyone is danger all the time. There are no innocent bystanders. They can't speak with the watered down niceties that we do. The best description I've read is from Harry's review at AICN: "The characters spout - no erupt with the sort of high living and dying dialogue that gods speak before killing and fucking." Like I said, it takes a little getting used to, but once the movie gets going and you realize the danger these people are in, you understand the urgency and power of their dialogue.
Sin City, like the Republican party, utilizes some of the basest of human emotions. But unlike the Republicans, who have a propensity for fear and hate, Sin City appeals to your desire for vengence, sex and bloody justice. The heroes can't just defend the innocent and defeat the guilty, because everyone's guilty and nobody's innocent. All the women are strippers or hookers and all the men are thugs, murderers or worse. But within that context, Rodriguez and Miller show us people that have a sense of honor and ethics, albeit an ethics that has no problem killing people and making them suffer before they go. Sin City reflects the worst and best of what we have to offer, distilled to its essense and crammed into a two hour flick that manages to effortlessly alternate between moments of quite introspection and action that will make your jaw hit the floor.
There are a ton of actors and characters of note in this film, but it's pretty easy to generalize because the performances are outstanding. Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis and Clive Owen carry the film as the three main characters Marv, Hartigan and Dwight. Rourke is particularily brilliant in what might be the ultimate tough guy role. Of all the other characters, only Brittany Murphy's performance didn't sit right with me, but that may be because it came at the beginning of a new story sequence and I wan't used to it yet. Keep your eye out for a couple of hired thugs that show up in Bruce Willis' two story sections. Their dialogue (I should say monologue, since it's really just one character's diatribe) is fantastic.
Like Sky Captain, Sin City was shot digitally using green screens for just about everything. But while Sky Captain was going for the soft, fuzzy look of an early pulp serial, Sin City uses the same technology to make everything hyper-realistic and gritty. It's the ultimate noir look, allowing Rodriguez to speak to the audience using selective color in the midst of a black and white film. The result is a look reminiscent of the digital color grading of The Lord of the Rings, only with a BALCO account and no congressional oversight. Sin City is one of the most visually arresting films you'll ever see, and will probably become the new gold standard for digitally created films.
I've never read Miller's graphic novels, although I've heard nothing but good things about them. From everything I've read, the movie is picked up from the comics almost frame by frame. Rodriguez and Miller do a fabulous job. Go see this movie.
Most of the time, I think MPAA ratings are shit. Hell, most of the time I think the MPAA itself is shit. In fact, go ahead and cross out that most and put all. I think that a lot of R ratings are ridiculous: kids see and hear worse things on TV, at school and at church, to say nothing of what goes on in their own heads. This is especially true in regards to sexual content and the minds of boys (I can't speak for girls) from the ages of 10-17 (not that the thoughts stop then, it's just that you can go see the R movies then). But in the case of Sin City, I am definately of the opinion that children should be kept the hell away from this film. (When I say children, I am generalizing to mean people whose minds are not mature enough to handle the content matter. It is perfectly within the realm of possibility that you could find an 11 year old who would be better suited to watch this movie than many 17 year olds. In that case I would be in favor of letting that child see the movie. But we're talking about generalities here, people! Get off my back.) It's not that the movie is bad. As I will describe below, Sin City is fucking fantastic. And it's not that it has lots of sex and whatnot that most MPAA bitches think children should never, be exposed to, less they suddenly start fucking in the aisles. In fact, I don't think anyone swears in the entire movie. But Sin City is the sort of movie that should get an R rating, because it contains graphic, twisted violence. Usually, this is the sort of thing that the MPAA thinks is fine to show kids. But when you need to use the word "castrations" to describe a film, it's a good bet that kids might have nightmares.
This is a hardcore film. People get capped, cut, castrated and cannibalized. And since the "good" guys are almost all on missions where they require information they don't have, they have the tendency to torture people until they give it up. My parents didn't like Kill Bill because they thought it was too violent; I told them not to bother going to this movie, because they'd probably walk out after the first 10 minutes. But if you can handle the subject matter, this is one of the best films you can see. It may take a little while to get acclimated to the dialogue and the voice overs, because it sounds kind of corny at first. But then you realize that this is a world where you can't speak like you can in our world. Most of us will never be violently threatened or hunted by people who want to do us harm. But in the beautifully stark world that Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller bring to the screen, everyone is danger all the time. There are no innocent bystanders. They can't speak with the watered down niceties that we do. The best description I've read is from Harry's review at AICN: "The characters spout - no erupt with the sort of high living and dying dialogue that gods speak before killing and fucking." Like I said, it takes a little getting used to, but once the movie gets going and you realize the danger these people are in, you understand the urgency and power of their dialogue.
Sin City, like the Republican party, utilizes some of the basest of human emotions. But unlike the Republicans, who have a propensity for fear and hate, Sin City appeals to your desire for vengence, sex and bloody justice. The heroes can't just defend the innocent and defeat the guilty, because everyone's guilty and nobody's innocent. All the women are strippers or hookers and all the men are thugs, murderers or worse. But within that context, Rodriguez and Miller show us people that have a sense of honor and ethics, albeit an ethics that has no problem killing people and making them suffer before they go. Sin City reflects the worst and best of what we have to offer, distilled to its essense and crammed into a two hour flick that manages to effortlessly alternate between moments of quite introspection and action that will make your jaw hit the floor.
There are a ton of actors and characters of note in this film, but it's pretty easy to generalize because the performances are outstanding. Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis and Clive Owen carry the film as the three main characters Marv, Hartigan and Dwight. Rourke is particularily brilliant in what might be the ultimate tough guy role. Of all the other characters, only Brittany Murphy's performance didn't sit right with me, but that may be because it came at the beginning of a new story sequence and I wan't used to it yet. Keep your eye out for a couple of hired thugs that show up in Bruce Willis' two story sections. Their dialogue (I should say monologue, since it's really just one character's diatribe) is fantastic.
Like Sky Captain, Sin City was shot digitally using green screens for just about everything. But while Sky Captain was going for the soft, fuzzy look of an early pulp serial, Sin City uses the same technology to make everything hyper-realistic and gritty. It's the ultimate noir look, allowing Rodriguez to speak to the audience using selective color in the midst of a black and white film. The result is a look reminiscent of the digital color grading of The Lord of the Rings, only with a BALCO account and no congressional oversight. Sin City is one of the most visually arresting films you'll ever see, and will probably become the new gold standard for digitally created films.
I've never read Miller's graphic novels, although I've heard nothing but good things about them. From everything I've read, the movie is picked up from the comics almost frame by frame. Rodriguez and Miller do a fabulous job. Go see this movie.
Twins Update
Johan Santana, in an unprecedented bid to convince Bryan Singer to turn his new movie into a documentary, had not given up more than three runs in a game since the beginning of last June, a run of 22 starts. Last night, he showed his human side by giving up 4 runs to the Mariners in the first inning. After getting the final out, he went back to the dugout, where manager Ron Gardenhire took him aside and asked to borrow his wallet. After showing Johan two photo IDs, his Cy Young trophy, pictures from the crash site at Gardenhire's Oklahoma farm and a blood test, Santana remembered that he was indeed Superman and went back out and retired 14 of the next 15 batters he faced. The rest of the Twins, continuing their grand tradition of scoring runs for Santana after not scoring any for Brad Radke, hit 25 singles in a row until Jacques Jones realized that there was a way to advance more than one base at a time and hit a 2 run homer to give the Twins an insurmountable 7-4 lead. The victory was key for one Joe Kreuser, whose fantasy team benefited from the Twins' hitting and pitching prowess, but also from Mariners' 3rd baseman Adrian Beltre's ultimately harmless 2 run double in the first inning. The rubber game of the series takes place today at 5:35pm central, or 2:38am last Thursday pacific.
A Long-Expected Posting
Hello again people. Yes, I'm still here. I haven't died, moved to a remote desert island where they don't have broadband hookups, or contracted leprosy. I've been here, procrastinting, rationalizing and pontificating (but the last only in my head, unfortuneately). At any rate, I've been trying to keep busy, but I'm afraid that I got hit with a bout of malaise a couple weeks ago, and I've been trying to pull myself out of it. These sort of things happen when you're frustratingly unemployed as I am, and I apologize that all of you have had to suffer from the lack of posts detailing my fascinating thoughts and ideas that I know you all base your lifes around.
I thought that a quick post, just to let you know what I've been up to lately, would perhaps get the creative juices flowing enough for me to rededicate myself to posting at least every day or two. I'll do my best.
With the onset of April, it appears that Minnesota has seen the end of the horrible season that separates Winter and Spring, also know as Sprinter. We've had temps in the 60s and 70s the past couple days, and though it's going to dip back into the 40s and 50s the next couple days (I'm talking about high temps here, people: there's still ice on the lakes) the nice weather has been enough to allow the Ultimate season to officially begin, meaning that I was almost too sore to get out of bed on Monday after playing somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 hours of frisbee over the weekend. It was great, and the fact that I couldn't raise my left leg to put on a sock yesterday doesn't deter me for a second.
I've also been eagerly awaiting yesterday, which was of course opening day for baseball (fine, the Bo Sox and the Yankers played on sunday, but who the hell cares about them). This is doubly exciting since I'm on a fantasy baseball team for the first time this year. I of course was required to draft many Twins players to populate my roster, and though Mr. Hanberg's Mariners defeated them yesterday, I remain confident and excited (and, as I drafted the M's 3rd baseman and closer, I was able to pick up some positive stats). Although if I was you Erik, I'd be nervous about the fact that all your offense came from two swings of Sexson's bat.
And of course, the main draw on my time recently has been LotR. I started what will again become and annual rereading of The Lord of the Rings (as it was before the three years of movies disrupted it). I just finished book 3 (or the first half of The Two Towers) today, so I still have a ways to go. But it is, as always, a journey I enjoy making every time.
My post tomorrow will be a review of Sin City, easily the best movie so far this year and a stunning piece of visual work that will make your jaw bug out and your eyes drop. Or perhaps the other way around. Also, check out the sidebar soon for some new sections.
So until tomorrow (I promise).
And Hanberg, I expect trash talking baseball posts over the next few days!
I thought that a quick post, just to let you know what I've been up to lately, would perhaps get the creative juices flowing enough for me to rededicate myself to posting at least every day or two. I'll do my best.
With the onset of April, it appears that Minnesota has seen the end of the horrible season that separates Winter and Spring, also know as Sprinter. We've had temps in the 60s and 70s the past couple days, and though it's going to dip back into the 40s and 50s the next couple days (I'm talking about high temps here, people: there's still ice on the lakes) the nice weather has been enough to allow the Ultimate season to officially begin, meaning that I was almost too sore to get out of bed on Monday after playing somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 hours of frisbee over the weekend. It was great, and the fact that I couldn't raise my left leg to put on a sock yesterday doesn't deter me for a second.
I've also been eagerly awaiting yesterday, which was of course opening day for baseball (fine, the Bo Sox and the Yankers played on sunday, but who the hell cares about them). This is doubly exciting since I'm on a fantasy baseball team for the first time this year. I of course was required to draft many Twins players to populate my roster, and though Mr. Hanberg's Mariners defeated them yesterday, I remain confident and excited (and, as I drafted the M's 3rd baseman and closer, I was able to pick up some positive stats). Although if I was you Erik, I'd be nervous about the fact that all your offense came from two swings of Sexson's bat.
And of course, the main draw on my time recently has been LotR. I started what will again become and annual rereading of The Lord of the Rings (as it was before the three years of movies disrupted it). I just finished book 3 (or the first half of The Two Towers) today, so I still have a ways to go. But it is, as always, a journey I enjoy making every time.
My post tomorrow will be a review of Sin City, easily the best movie so far this year and a stunning piece of visual work that will make your jaw bug out and your eyes drop. Or perhaps the other way around. Also, check out the sidebar soon for some new sections.
So until tomorrow (I promise).
And Hanberg, I expect trash talking baseball posts over the next few days!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)