Breaking News

Hello Everyone. I've just been handed this shocking update from Rome about the deliberations of the College of Cardinals, aka Stanford (I'm not really sure why Stanford gets to choose the next pope, but since it's a tradition streching back hundreds of years I'll let it go). In a shocking turn of events, one Caleb Bartley has been selected as the new High Pope of Romeland (which, of course, is the official title). He will be installed as Pope C-Bar I in a ceremony later this week.

"I'm very excited," said Caleb in an interview early this morning. "It will be a great challenge for me to guide over 500 million catholics to the promised land of the Big Rock Candy Mountain, but one at which I do not intend to fail."

Many conservative catholics have expressed reservations at the Popehood being placed on such a young man, fearing he will side with more progressive factions of the church. But Pope C-Bar I urged his followers to remain calm and trust him. "Indeed, I above everyone recognize that I will need help and guidance in my new position. I cannot spend all my time bombing about Italy in my Popemobile looking for young and nubile girls to convert to the Holy Church of Caleb. That is why my first official act is to appoint my close personal and holy friend, Java Fortran, to the newly created post of Cardinal of Communication, for Java is the only man I know who has the ability to get me high enough to talk to God." C-Bar I went on to reveal that he had already initiated contact with the Almighty, and that a productive conversation had taken place. "I am happy to report that we toked, I mean talked, for a good hour and a half," reported Caleb. "He was happy to offer me a lot of advice on many problems the church is facing in this new millenium." One of the topics on which Caleb and God spoke extensively was the issue of allowing women to join the clergy. Though the previous pope was a staunch opponent of this change, Caleb gave signs to indicate his first decree will allow women to integrate quickly into the highest levels of the church. "When I agreed to take this job, the first thing I thought of was 'do I really wanted to be waited on by a buch of old guys with a prediliction for red robes?' My converstaion with the Big Guy confirmed that he wants as many women as possible working with me to help relieve the tensions of the church." The new pope also indicated that changes in the tranditional church robes could be on the way. "The church needs to become more health-conscious. Studies have consistently shown that exposure to sunlight, in moderation, has a positive effect on the mood as well as increasing levels of key vitamins in the body. I intend to design a new, minimalist, 'less-is-more' style of dress for the church, which will be tested on many of the new women clergymembers. I will keep in close contact with them so as to carefully monitor the results."

Caleb announced another appointment this morning, revealing that Erik Hanberg will become the first Vice Pope in 500 years. "I can't do it all alone," said C-Bar I. "I will need help reaching the people of the world, and no one can help me do that better than Mr. Hanberg. Together we will throw the greatest mass parties the church as ever seen." Vice Pope Hanberg was unavailable for comment, as he has already been sequestered to plan an introductory celebration to allow everyone to get to know the new Pontiff and his staff. Reports indicate that kegs of sacramental wine, communion wafers and shots of Russian vodka will be served.

The new pope finished his interview by revealing that in the upcoming weeks he would be considering changes to the sacrament of communion, specifically at replacing the wine with Jack and Diet Coke and the wafers with Sun Chips.