Stop Fucking with my mind, JJ Abrams!

Saw M:I:III on Saturday. Very good spy/action flick. Harry's AICN review was extremely accurate when he said it was True Lies without the humor. 'Cause that's what it is. Badass spy stuff with the badass spy consequences (that is, having to deal with Phillip Seymore Hoffman shooting your wife in the head while she's tied up in a chair). Also, this movie has Shaun of the Dead in it (I believe his name is Simon Pegg). He's the tech-buddy who helps TomKat...I mean Ethan Hunt out when he's desperate in Shanghai. But that's not what I'm here to talk about...

So I watched the movie with my friends Carl and Java. And then we sat and watched the credits. And they slowly went by, which I didn't mind because I was still processing the movie. But then they came to the end: you know, the bit where the producers thank people and organizations for helping to make the movie possible instead of paying them.

But one thing stood out. I don't know why I saw it, but the last organization thanked on the list was The Hanso Foundation. I said to myself, that sounds familiar. Then my brain clicked into gear and I began to curse JJ Abrams because he's a bastard. Anyone who's seen season 2 of Lost knows that the Hanso Foundation is behind the Dharma Initiative, the big mystery of season 2 (like the Smoke monster was the mystery of season 1). But seeing that on the screen just about blew my mind. Why do you torture me, JJ Abrams! Does the Hanso Foundation really have anything to do with M:I:III? Could all JJ Abrams projects be connected? Will Kirk and Spock be reveiled to be descendents of Jack and Kate? What will happen next?!

Bonjour, M. Bond

Mr. Hanberg recently posted the new 007 French teaser. For those of you (like me) who don't speak French, and find it odd for Mr. Bond to be speaking it, go here for the English version. Don't know why it's not getting more attention-I think it looks pretty good. I won't pass judgement on Daniel Craig yet, but I will say if I had had the casting reigns, Clive Owen would have gotten strong consideration.

The Shocker!

Amazing end of Lost tonight. Left me speechless. Absolutely couldn't believe it. I heard nothing about this. Nothing. Best show on tv, hands down. Anyone who says otherwise has been eating Marigold seeds. Which appearently is gaining popularity (again-first time was in the 70s, when methodical hippies appearently tried every substance on earth to see if it would make them high) amoung high school students. But that's neither here nor there. The cliffhanger at the end of Lost's first season was one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen-the best since the famous TNG Borg cliffhanger at the end of season 3. If there are three episodes left after this one, I shudder to think what we're in for.

It's a Plane

I watch two tv shows regularly on tv: Lost, the greatest hourlong drama I've ever seen, and Smallville, which follows Clark Kent as he grows up on the farm. It's not the greatest show ever (see previous sentence), but I'm a sucker for superpowers and Smallville is actually a pretty quality show most of the time. That said, there's nothing like seeing the big man on the big screen. I'm psyched for Superman Returns, and even more so now that the full length trailer came out today. I've watched it three times so far, and I like what I see. A lot of comic book fans hold up the original Richard Donner Superman as one of the better comic book movies ever made. I feel this to be total crap, as the movie is, in my opinion, almost total crap. The exception is any scene with Christopher Reeve in either persona (although he's better as Clark), which is good because that means he saves a good part of the movie. But any movie that has the cheesiest spoken-word-poem-voiceover ever conceived of by man or god gets a black mark in my book. Hopefully, Bryan Singer is more intelligent than that. He did an excellent job with the X-movies, so I think he knows what he's doing.

Quick! Go see that trailer!

This one's for you, Java

For those of you who know him, Java Fortran is a cool guy. He does, however, have strange predilections when it comes to pizza toppings. This one's for Java.

PS I hope I don't get sued for posting this image. R, TM and all rights reserved by the dude who made it.

Best Captain Ever?

So how did my Ultimate team, TBA, fair in its first tourney of the season two weekends ago at GAC?

Well, we went 4-2, winning the four games against the teams we were clearly better than, and losing the two games we played against teams that were at our competitive level. But we did have some positive signs that we are starting to gel as a team, which is good.

But more importantly, at my first tournament as captain, the team became famous. That's right, the literary giant that is the Mankato Free Press deigned to recognize us in print. I take full credit by way of a very simple formula.

Last year: Joe not captain. Articles written about TBA=0.
This year: Joe is captain. Articles written about TBA=1.

I don't think you need a math degree to see that that formula makes a lot of sense. As if that wasn't enough, we were also on TV.

Certainly puts me in the running for captain of the year, doesn't it?

Quote of the Day

"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens."
-Gimli Gloin's son.

"Maybe, but let him not vow to walk in the dark, who has not seen the nightfall."
-Elrond Halfelven

Mr. Twig is Fucking Weak

Just finished watching the Chef Aid episode of South Park in the second season, when Mr. Garrison finally gets rid of Mr. Twig after Mr. Hat visciously attacks him (Mr. Twig, that is). Like the boys, I'm psyched to have Mr. Hat back, because Mr. Twig did indeed suck ass.

In answer to your question, no, I haven't gone insane.

Dickensian Twist

I first heard about this from Mr. Hanberg. Seems David Copperfield and two of his assistants got robbed by some teenagers with guns (aren't they cute?). Erik seemed to think that the part where Copperfield pulled a little slight-of-hand was a nice bit of propaganda, but ultimately bullshit.

I have to agree with you, Erik. You're a little cynical. Especially that line about how Copperfield should have made their guns disappear instead of just hiding his wallet.

First of all, I don't know what David Copperfield looks like. If I'm a punk kid with a gun looking to rob someone in West Palm Beach, all I see is a rich looking dude with two hot chicks. Second, while I can't comment on Copperfield's ability as a magician, I have to imagine that he's pretty damn good when it comes to the easy stuff, like making it look like you've got nothing while you stick a dove in a guy's ear to pull out later. Third, good magicians can make people who are watching closely miss what's going on. Again, if I'm a kid mugging some guy in what sounds like a pretty populated area, I'm nervous, twitchy, and eager to take the $500 and 200 Candyland dollars (ie Euros) and get the hell out of there. I'm not exactly conducting a thorough search. Fourth, "Copperfield read the license plate number of the car to an assistant while she called 911". I'm guessing this was accomplished with his cell phone, which he was able to hide from the muggers. The kids are in jail now, by the way.

So I'm guessing that David was finally able to put his skills to good use. I mean, all he was able to do until now was stupid tricks that netted him millions of dollars and supermodels. Now he's actually done something worthwhile.

Tournament!

First ultimate tourney is tomorrow and Sunday at GAC. I expect it to look like this. I'll be the guy holding the disc, thank you very much.

Doyle's

Hanberg, I'm jealous. And if I find Magner's, I'll try it immediately. Otherwise it might have to wait until my annual Washington trip in July.

Cool News

When it comes to movies, I listen to four sources. First, my friends, since I have a decent sense of what sort of movies they like, and I can discern from conversation whether or not I'd like the film. Second, Rotten Tomatoes, because I think it's a good (although not perfect) barometer of a movie. The last two are the only two critics I really listen to. The first (or third by the first method of counting) is Peter Travers of Rolling Stone, although if I already want to see a movie I generally don't read his full review, since he usually gives away more spoilers than I like. The last is Harry Knowles of AICN. I don't have the breath of movie experience that he does, but I've found that a thumbs up from him is a pretty good indication that I'm going to enjoy a movie.

I am therefore understandably new excited about MI: 3. It was reviewed by Harry a few days ago, ago and received an ethusiastic endorsement. Harry compared it to True Lies, which to me is, along with The Rock, one of the best action/comedies to come out in the last 10 years. Now MI: 3 is the directorial debut of J.J. Abrams, the creator of Alias and Lost, the later being the best show on tv. So we know the director has some serious skills. Harry compared MI: 3 to True Lies because, as he said, "Had scene after scene [of True Lies] not been hit with jokes throughout... well, it would have been amazing [as a serious spy flick]. It would have been... Mission Impossible 3." By the way, those ellipses are his, not mine.

So now, where I was merely interested in seeing MI: 3, since the first two were either headache-inducing or vapidly soulless, I am now officially excited.

And today, I got more officially excited. Not about MI: 3, but about Star Trek. Because the next movie has been announced for 2008. And directing will be none other than the same J.J. Abrams. And who will the movie feature, you ask? There's no current Trek series. The TNG crew is getting older and don't fit into their uniforms as well as they used to (as we saw in the Enterprise finale). No, instead JJ will get the reins on a couple of guys named Kirk and Spock, and will detail their meeting at Starfleet Academy and their first space mission. Recasting the two seminal characters of classic Trek will be tricky, but if I was going to put anyone in charge, it'd be the guys who produce Lost (because, at this point, I'm ready to put them in charge of just about everything). And how much do you want to bet we get to see Nimoy and Shatner in space garb one more time?

Just one more reason why Lost is the greatest show ever: it gets its incredibly talented creators jobs like this.

Humpty Dumpty

When I was doing draft research for fantasy baseball, I heard a lot of hype about Felix Hernandez, the Mariners' 20 year old phenom. But I didn't read anything quite as funny as this. For those of you who don't know, pitching in major league baseball is pretty damn strenuous, and some teams (coughCUBScough) have had serious problems with their young pitching stars getting seriously and continuously injured. But it's still fricking hilarious. Again, go here.

In my defense

I'm playing in three fantasy baseball teams this year. In the last three days, I've started a total of 3 A's pitchers over my three teams (Dan Haren twice and Joe Blanton once). The A's, of course, were playing the Twins for the last three games. Now, in my defense, the A's had just pitched an excellent series against the Mariners, and had been playing well in general. The Twins, on the other hand, had been hitting the ball as if they were using week-old carp instead of bats. I was hoping the Twinkies would snap out of it, and maybe take 2 of 3. But I didn't expect them to score a lot of runs: I expected the Twins pitching to wake up, hold the A's to at most 3 runs, and the Twins would win by a run or two.

Now, of course, Haren and Blanton's stat lines are killing my pitching stats this week, because they both got hammered. Big time. To the tune of 7 earned runs in 6 innings. That's not the sort of thing that's friendly to your ERA, people.

So naturally I'm ecstatic that the Twins swept the A's. I just wish I had guessed that they were going to do it in such convincing fashion. Let's hope they can keep it up with the fucking Yankees in town this weekend.

Does Joe possess the Technological Savvy of Hanberg?

Maybe. Can you see this? Man, that is one heck of a neck beard. Go me!

Hanberg is right.

That is the coolest thing ever. At least until the next coolest thing ever.

Not weirder than the Smoke Monster

As the last episode of Lost until May came to a close, Kathreen and I both agreed that, despite the many weird things that continually happen on that kick-ass island, there is nothing weirder than the Smoke Monster, who has been absent since its face-off with Eko. Not the Hatch, not the Dharma Institute, not the Others, nothing.

Speaking of Lost, Lost kicks ass. Kate and Jack finally playing nice again? Michael back? Locke cured of his button obsession? May has never seemed so far away. And when are we going to find out who won this year's Island Open?

They're trying to take Java's stuff, man...

I think we all know what the obvious response to this is. That's right, we must return Java to his native land so he can be elected Govenor on the platform of securing his people's right to smoke pot.

Are you a pompous ass?

Then you might want to buy a $1,000.00 Mint Julep at the Kentucky Derby this year. Served to you in a 24 carat gold plated cup with a silver straw, this insane drink will be made from Kentucky Bourbon (I'm assuming a very valuable, single-barrel bourbon), Moroccoan mint, Artic ice and sugar from the South Pacific (I don't know if they will sing showtunes to you while you drink it). Oh, and you get to watch master mixologists make it in front of you. Be sure to get yours early, though. They'll only make 50 of them.

It's not all crazy, though. Proceeds will go to a charity that finds homes for old race horses.

Also, if you're looking for just a regular mint julep, appearently the Derby is your annual Hajj. They sell 90,000 regular ones there every year (and by regular, I mean ones served in pewter or silver cups).

More here.

Greatest Major Ever?

Man, did I make the wrong choice in college. I'm sitting watching the NCAA finals, and one of the Florida players was shooting a free throw. CBS chose this moment to inform us all that his major was...Leisure Management.

Wow. Pack my bags, I'm going back to school. I can't wait to find out what the requirements are for a Leisure Management Major. Also, can you imagine what sort of jobs you'd be able to apply for?

The mind boggles.